The First-Time Submissive’s Guide to Communicating Your Desires
This article was originally written for the Kinky London Escorts blog.
So, you’ve done your research and found the perfect kinky escort to fulfil the submissive fantasies you’ve dreamt about for years. You’ve figured out the where, when, and how, and now you’re ready to fill out their booking form. It’s one of the rare and glorious moments in life when you can ask for exactly what you want without fear of judgment, in a space outside of normal life.
But as your fingers hover over the keyboard, you find the words elude you. A lot of advice surrounding kink (and sex in general) emphasises the importance of honest communication. It’s great and correct advice, but what happens when you’re still figuring out what you want? What exactly should you do to turn a vague image in your mind into a concrete description? What if you’re wrong?
As a switch escort offering a kind of ‘kinky girlfriend experience’ (meaning soft and sensual domination), many of my clients come to me looking to explore their submissive side—at their own pace, in a relaxed environment. Sometimes they’re brand new to kink and have only encountered vanilla dynamics (but have always been a bit curious). Sometimes they’re well-versed in BDSM but have always found themselves in dominant roles. Perhaps they just want to try it once, or perhaps seeing me is part of an ongoing exploration process. It’s always an honour to be part of that and I truly enjoy helping people unveil their desires. I understand the vulnerability involved in asking an escort to dominate you, especially for those who have been expected to be in control and powerful their whole lives.
Here are a few questions you might want to answer when communicating what you want to a kinky escort, as someone new to submission. Answering them might require a bit of soul-searching and vulnerability, but by teasing out your expectations—unspoken or seemingly unspeakable—you’ll give your dominant escort the material they need to craft an unforgettable experience.
What’s essential?
Health Issues:
First and foremost, when seeing a kink professional you should always be upfront about any relevant health issues or potential psychological triggers. For example, restrictive bondage may require extra care if you have a health issue that affects circulation. This doesn’t mean dumping your entire medical history in the first email but think carefully about what they need to know and when you should bring it up.Honesty:
Always be honest about your experience level and yourself. Some kink professionals do not see inexperienced submissives or first-timers. If you know a provider won’t see you because of this, they’re not who you should be contacting.Clarity:
Every person’s body and mind are different; any kink professional you see will be used to that. We aren’t interested in judging you, but we do deserve scrupulous honesty.Safety:
Of course, sensual domination doesn’t tend to include so much edge play, kink professionals know how to practice safely, however it is always a good idea to educate yourself on general BDSM safety.Responsibility:
Submission does not mean abdicating all responsibility and jumping into new activities with no regard for consequences. If you’re doing something different with your body, some degree of caution is required and you will need to be able to communicate this discomfort (that you’re not ok with).
Hard Limits:
Communicating what you don’t want is just as important as communicating what you do.
Boundaries:
Even if you’re not quite sure what you like, there will be some things you know you never want to do. Hard limits are not just turnoffs and should not be intended as a way to push a kink professional’s own limits. You can always change your mind later and your hard limits might not even be on the table with this particular kinky escort. It’s just smart to think about the boundaries of your play beforehand.Safewords:
These are one of the most mainstream aspects of BDSM. In any BDSM scenario, you should always have both verbal and non-verbal safewords in place: a clear-cut way to signal if you want everything to stop. Non-verbal cues are indispensable if you’re engaging in play which might prevent you from speaking (e.g. wearing a gag.)Essentials:
It’s a great idea to write the essentials down as excitement and nerves make it easy to forget! If that feels a bit formal, be prepared and discuss the essentials before the scene. That way you lay down the foundations before you start shifting the mood, rather than breaking the flow later!
How will you communicate throughout?
There are so many ways to incorporate continuous communication into BDSM without breaking the flow or topping from the bottom.
What:
Safewords are the minimum! These are quick, clear emergency brakes. They’re rarely suitable as the only means of communication. If you’re new to submission, you’ll want more nuanced ongoing communication throughout the play which you can build to.How:
Think about how you’d like to communicate. Will you use additional safewords with meanings other than ‘stop’? E.g. ‘Stop that specific thing’. Would you like your top to check in with you at regular intervals? Should the offer encouragement and reassurance? Will you stay ‘in character’ when communicating or just talk in a normal way? Do you want them to listen if you say no or to ignore your brattiness unless you use a safeword?
Just kink or kinky sex?
It seems to be a common misconception that booking a kink session always means there’s no sex involved. I’ve had clients tell me they want to try BDSM, but don’t like the idea of seeing a provider without any physical contact. On the flip side, others assume that if they’re not interested in receiving pegging and other anal play, that means they’re not kinky. In reality, there’s a huge range from providers who don’t allow any physical contact to those who do full service. And let’s not even get into the questions of where we draw the lines and if kink can ever be non-sexual. However, I think it’s crucial to be clear about your expectations in this area because it varies a lot between people! It’s up to you to draw the map.
How would you like to feel?
No single act is a mandatory part of BDSM and there are countless flavours of submission. Part of the fun is experiencing new kinds of pleasure and turning your everyday self upside down. Asking for what you want doesn’t just require listing specific acts; it can also mean describing how you want to feel. In my experience, most people have an innate picture of this, even if they lack the vocabulary for it or fear their own desires.
Consider one of the most common kinks: getting spanked. What people enjoy about it runs the gamut. It could be the pain; being punished or put in their place; satisfaction at taking it well for someone else; feeling humiliated; roleplaying unequal power dynamics; the sight of skin flushed pink; getting to act like a brat and resist the whole time; or any combination of these and other reasons. If you feel drawn to a specific act, try to understand the source of that interest. How does it make you feel/how do you imagine it would make you feel? When you picture yourself being submissive, what internal experience does that involve?
Here I’ll refer you to Tulsi Tamora’s post on her approach to domination, which includes lots more excellent prompts for conveying how you want to feel while submitting. Remember, it’s okay if you just want to have fun and experience pleasure! You don’t need a deep justification. Is submission synonymous for you with getting to be the centre of someone else’s attention, feeling cared for and doted on? Do you want a change from taking the active role and making decisions during sex, so you get to feel truly desired?
It’s also okay if this is your way to work through something. While BDSM is NOT therapy and you should never expect a kinky escort to also be your therapist, it can certainly be therapeutic. Could you want to experience something a little darker or to push yourself? Do you want to get outside your comfort zone, face a fear, or confront an experience? While it’s important to be realistic (a single session with a kinky escort is not going to change your life or fix all your problems), you stand a much better chance of getting what you want if you ask for it rather than carrying silent expectations. You’ll also help that provider gauge whether they can give you what you want, or you should see someone with a different skill set.
What puts you in the right headspace to have that experience?
BDSM can be a precious source of ritual and ceremony, sometimes something specific can flip you into submissive mode. For example:
Wearing a collar
When called a certain name
A specific act that shifts you into the right headspace to have the desired experience
What’s the overall overall setting? Think about how the music, lighting and location contribute to your experience.
What do you know you enjoy and what are you interested in trying?
Activities:
Are there any kink activities you know for sure you enjoy and want to include in the session? Is there something you know you want to try? Be clear about that!
Resources:
Kink quizzes, workbooks, and checklists can be a solid starting point for seeing what piques your interest. Check out the archives of the KLE blog for up-close guides to different kinks.
Keep it simple:
Focus on a few key things you’d like to experience in a single scene, rather than a whole laundry list of different activities.
Trust your top:
You need to allow your top to craft a narrative and make the scene flow within a defined timeframe. It’s common for new submissives to go into a kind of frenzy of wanting to try everything.
Pacing is key:
Don’t rush it. The worst way to enjoy something is to spend the whole time thinking about whether you’re enjoying it or not.
Lastly, remember, fantasising about something doesn’t always mean you want to do it or that you’ll like it if you do. However, if you find yourself returning to the same fantasies again, there’s something to be learnt from that. I find it useful when submissive clients send me their favourite porn or erotica as inspiration (not as a template). Kink is a creative act and creativity requires inspiration. Remember it’s fine to try something and realise that you dislike that form of play, this is all part of your exploration.
How do you want to wind down?
When the clock is ticking, it might be tempted to cram every minute of the session you booked with as much kinky business as possible. If you haven’t yet experienced the intense emotions submitting to a dominant escort can bring up, you might be caught off-guard by the drop back to reality afterwards. Submitting to someone can create overwhelming, but temporary emotions towards that person.
Even if you feel fine, at least a few minutes of winding down will tie up the overall narrative of the scene. Allow at least 10-15 minutes for cuddling, chatting about the experience, drinking some water, perhaps a snack to bring up your blood sugar, and getting your stuff together. Then you’re ready to go on your way, with a secret spring in your step.
